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SarahJLo
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Name: Sarah
Country: United States
State: Virginia
Metro: Lynchburg
Birthday: 11/20/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: photography, reading, sleeping, playing volleyball and soccer, sleeping, listening to music, occasionally singing
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/19/2005
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| i feel like i'm fighting an addiction. its funny because thats exactly what i told him; i'm addicted to him. i miss the way his skin smells; i miss the scar on his arm and rubbing my thumb across it. i miss the feel of his beard on my shoulder when we sleep. i miss the way he put his arm around me and the way he would fit my body to his. the way his eyes would open and the smile on his face when he saw me lying next to him is burned in my memory. i miss the sound of his breathing and feeling his breath on my neck or my face. i miss him. all of him and not just the idea of him. i can't escape from his memory. i see things and i remember something about him or us. when i'm awake, i ache for him. i look for him everywhere i go. when i try to sleep, i close my eyes and i see him. he's in my dreams; whether i see him or not, he's there. i feel his presence and i can't get away from him. part of me wants to be released, but part of me want to give in and let it all happen again. part of me want to be addicted. | | |
| why does this one keep coming back? why is he just now being what i needed him to be months ago? i don't get it. if he had come around a month ago, even, and done this, then things would be so much different. and then there is the boy i want. the one i'm halfway in love with. thats so scary for me to say because i'm afraind of falling all the way for him. i don't want to fall completely in love with him because i don't know how he feels about me. certain things should make it obvious, but then he goes and confuses me again. if you want me, tell me. if you don't, then tell me and stop acting like you do. i just want a straight answer for once. if all we're going to be is good friends, then i'm okay with that. i just need to know. let me get over you if thats what i need to do. i can get over you if i have to. but if i don't have to, then please . . . stop torturing me!! i'm not going to have a heart left if i keep this up much longer . . . | | |
| i am so tired of being just an option. i am tired of being on both sides of the fence with this guy. what is it about me that makes me a good time and nothing more? i really don't understand it. what do i do? i can't just get over him. when i fall for someone, i fall hard and believe me, i fell hard for this one. it takes me a long time to get over someone and he keeps throwing bait out there and i keep biting. and it seems like everytime we get close, he decides that i am not what he thought or what he wanted and it's getting frustrating. i'm frustrated because while i like this guy, if all i am to him is someone to flirt with and someone to kill time with, then i want to be done with him. i know that he is not good for me and that i shouldn't like him. it's just that getting that knowledge from my head to my heart is so much harder than anybody can think. i just wish i knew how he felt and what he was thinking. he knows how i feel and i thought i knew how he felt, but not anymore. i'm just frustrated and confused and i'm tired of it. the easiest way for me to get over someone is not see them. ever. and that isn't going to work with this one. i just don't know what to do anymore. | | |
| so, i found out the other day that i can be, and actually am, a jealous girl. yes, i've been covetous of what other people have sometimes, but i've never been full out jealous before. the other night, i watched the guy i like, who happens to like me as well, as he flirted with another girl. granted, it wasn't the same kind of flirting that he and i do, but i saw the look on her face when she walked away from him and i knew that the smile on her lips and in her eyes was from him. now, he is a funny guy and he loves to make people laugh, so i can't hold this against him. and it totally wasn't her fault, but i found myself wanting to claw her eyes out! and if you know me at all, i'm not a violent person like that. i want to be the only girl he makes smile like that. i don't want other girls around him. and as i was thinking about this, i realized that i was jealous! it was the first time i've ever been jealous like that. sure, i've never liked it when guys that i like flirt with other girls and vice versa, but i've never been jealous before. and i don't like it. i don't like the jealous sarah. she's not a fun person and while i do have green eyes, the jealous sarah really does become a green-eyed monster. totally not cool! i was rocked by this revelation and then i realized that i'm not as "good" as i thought i was. jealousy is a sin, and one that i thought i was above. but obviously, i'm not! so this is one lesson that i've been taught and i hope never to have to learn again! | | |
| he doesn't want me. he might have at one point, but i guess i'll never know. i guess i really am just good for flirting with. i mean, this makes more than once that the same thing has happened. to be honest, i am disappointed. disappointed with him, but mostly with myself. i saw what has been happening and i knew what it was, but i lied to myself and told myself it was more than what it really was. this just serves to drive home my number one fear: i am not worth being wanted. i either take too much work, or there is not enough "good" in me to warrent taking the time to find it. it makes my heart hurt when i think about it. so i try not to, but it's always easier said than done. sometimes i wish my heart was made of stone, or that i didn't have a heart. maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. how do you get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore? how do you get to the point where nothing gets to you? tonight i wish i was there. | | |
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